From The Mud Puddle

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Through the years, I've thought a lot about security. Mainly the thoughts about security didn't really begin until when what had always seemed to be secure and safe was gone, as life changed and I went from living under my earthly father's roof, to being married to my husband, Jay. When I was a child, I didn't have a care in the world beyond friends, school and those times when normal disappointments occurred. Security was something not to be pondered, but expected and known.
Problem is, I put my security in the wrong things, and the wrong person/people.
When I married, I wondered where that security went. When my earthly father died, as I talked about two weeks ago, more of that security slipped away. When our three babies died, and my "world" seemed to crumble...More and more security and safeness shattered. As we switched churches at various times, and found ourselves in different situations our security also was on turbulent ground, ground that could instantly swallow us whole. I longed for security, I longed to feel safe again. I longed to be cared for. Honestly, I had never really contemplated the fact that God alone was to be my security. God alone was to be the one that would heal me, hold me, provide for me and carry me as He held me in the palm of His hand. I think to some degree, I expected Jay to do this, as my own father had done. Life was something to be tamed, and would be tamed..but in reality, it is not.
Sometime in here, I learned that God alone is truly our sufficiency. I had learned that emotionally He is before...But now, spiritually, physically and mentally, God IS indeed all we need, and His word has everything we need to know about life in it. God comes before my husband and will fulfill me. In that, I am to be freed to live how God needs me to live, and my husband , because he too is looking to God to fulfill him...Is free as well to live how God wants him to live. Together then...My husband and I both can complete one another and enjoy one another because we are not looking to the other person to meet a need that we have that only God can meet. To be blunt, I am not speaking of sex-but of all the needs we find ourselves lacking in-that we try to fill with so many other things-yes, even us that have been Christians for years....So often miss this very important part of living with God as our head.
Last year, when my husband got a new job, one we had been waiting for all those extra years while he was in school again ....Getting a second degree...It "felt" secure. We felt that finally we were moving forward towards our goals. When eight weeks later, he was laid off for no reason (we know now it was all a big lie..Long story), that security was pulled out from under us. What would we do? How would be support ourselves and our two kids. How would we live and survive? God had big lessons for both of us in this security, and His provision. I no longer look to anyone else to make me happy, or to fulfill me in any way. They cannot, they will only fail to provide security and safety for me. They will only fail to meet my needs emotionally-or to hold me when I am scared, or sick, or just tired. God has provided for us in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. It is just God doing a work in my heart and the heart of my husband as He has shown us that it is He alone that holds it all, and provides and loves us. I have never felt more secure in my life-with God holding me as I allow Him to do now. I have never felt more at peace with life's turbulence than this time. While things seemed to have settled for a time, there are no guarantees. While money is still tighter than I'd prefer at times, I know that it is not my thing to worry about it-for God knows when our bills are due and what we need and even how much. Provision is God's thing. We take opportunities as God gives them, as we trust God with Jay's jobs, and the assorted odd jobs I do here and there. It's not us providing, or trying to secure our life, but God. Life will strike it's blow again(probably sooner than I'd prefer). My hope is that I remain steady, and steadfast, not in my power or strength...or my own security..but remain ONLY in the palm of God's hand. I was created for the creator-God alone. In Him I find my only peace and my only Hope through Jesus Christ-and the only security available of any lasting value-that will not rot or mold or rust. He is my Abba Father.
To you alone Lord Jesus my praise is raised.

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