From The Mud Puddle

To my little one Taylor-

Our last baby , We were so violently torn apart by circumstance. We both ended up in the arms of Jesus, just on different sides of eternity. Am thankful you ended up on the better side of eternity than I did for the time being. I've been thinking about you dear, this week. I hardly can believe it's been 10 years this week since we found out you existed, and were being taken from us all in the short span of 8 days. I often wondered if it hurt when you were ripped from your soft bed in my body. I often wondered if when you were growing in my tube, if you knew a mistake had been made, and that your body had planted itself in the wrong place.

I remember that day held in providence, when you and I parted. I remember the severe pain, and can see myself in the third person going through the motions of trying to figure out what was going on, calling the doctor and nurse...and finally the news ...and that we were yet again, loosing another tender child of ours. My heart broke, and I questioned if God had abandoned me, stopped loving me, but only for a time. Jesus put it back together, in His time, His way...and smothered me with His love asHe smothered you there where you are with Him. What I then questioned, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. What I then greived, I learned through it, and grew because of it.

Tiny one, we didnt get to make many memories here in this temporary home where I am passing through, but I trust that you have had a blast in heaven! I can imagine you running around up there, singing, playing, praising the Lord. I can see you playing hide and go seek...knowing all the good hiding places between the folds of the clouds. I trust that you and your sibblings will give the four of us a tour on that day we join you there! I cannot wait to hear your giggle, and see your face all lit up with the breaking of a smile. As I praise the Lord here, I know I am joined with you as well in that praise...as we both know the Father in Heaven. Jesus is the center of it all. I know heaven is nothing near what I imagine, but more. I know that part of God's allowing you to come live with Him as He did, was yet another way of preparing my heart for heaven to live with Him there.

I think about that week we had together, and how my heart had a wall around it, refusing to allow myself to get close and love you with abandon as I should have then. As you know, I had already given birth to your sister and brother here, as well as had carried two others you found waiting for you in heaven...Malea and Grace. I just couldnt allow myself to get close to you. How sad. I know long ago, I made peace with Jesus about you and knew you knew I loved you, and love you still...and that you understood. 'Least you want to hear it again somehow...I do indeed love you and look so forward to finally being reunited to you in heaven.

Give my love to your sister and other sibbling that are there with you now, as well as to your grandpa, and the others that you dance with as you sing Holy Holy Holy around the throne of the Lord!

I will see you soon,

Mommy